My last blog post

I’ve been hurt, disappointed, let down, betrayed, abandoned, you name it, by people before and I guess due to the fallen nature of man, it is to be expected, and I’ve always been able to bounce back. Similarly, I’m sure there are also people who would say they have been made to feel the same way by something I have done or said at some point in time. But there was never a time where I could’ve anticipated that the only one I put my entire, trust and faith in would cause me to feel all of those same emotions. When I stood in court before a jury, with undeniable evidence of what someone had done to me, only to hear they’d been acquitted of all four charges without any clear rationale as to how or why they came to such a decision, it was and still is the most heartbreaking thing in the world. Not only am I then left to grieve an unjust verdict, but I also then have to grief the fact that the God I read about in Scripture, the one who is righteous, just, omnipotent, and sovereign - the one who is known to hate evil, wickedness, and lies, the one who promises his children victory, restoration, and vindication, and that he would fight for them, allowed someone to stand against me with no evidence and a defence full of lies, and still win. What do you mean in the one moment I needed you more than I ever have, you weren’t there? Why not? This reality has challenged everything I thought I knew about God and christianity. I’m left with more questions than answers and unfortunately there isn’t an answer I could receive now that would make any of this feel better. Although there have been occasions throughout my walk, where I have experienced what may have felt like disappointment by God in the moment, there has always been something better that follows shortly after that justifies why the previous thing missed me. But with this situation, there is nothing outside of justice and vindication inside of that courtroom that could possibly make it right for me. I’ve heard it all from ‘maybe God has a plan’ to ‘He’ll get what’s coming to him in due time’ and sadly, I don’t believe any of that. My trust in the Lord, and the scriptures have been completely fractured and if I’m being honest, I don’t see how I’m going to recover from that. While I haven’t reached the point of believing God doesn’t exist at all, I have resolved that he is no longer real - to me. Everything I have experienced since giving my life to Christ in January 2019 feels like a lie. I won’t bother going on and on, because I really just came to let you as my readers and subscribers know that this will be my last post. I have nothing left to give this walk because I no longer believe in it.

Thanks for journeying with me.

P x